Fall 2004

Tragically broken, but not emo

Personal / November 11th

So here's the thing. I've realized in a clearer way then I suppose I've been thus far willing to admit, that I lack self motivation. Let me elaborate. First of all, I don't completely lack self motivation, far to the contrary. What I lack is self motivation to do things that are routine, ordinary, and mundane. I am willing to exert a lot of effort on projects, and I am extremely willing to work on anything that has external motivation. Today I took off the afternoon so that I could come home and clean. Because I'm selling the house, my coworkers wife who is a realtor was coming over to see it. I spent three solid hours catching up on an assortment of chores I've been putting off for days, weeks, and even months. Then she called to say she couldn't make it tonight. Within minutes, all energy faded. While I am essentially done with the main things I wanted to accomplish, the list is not completely marked off.

Like my friend Mike and his upstairs, progress on the basement proceeded at a fair rate initially, then because of external forces it slowed, and I became disenchanted. But because of a deadline, namely the Halloween party, energy was brought to bear, assistance came in, and the bulk of the project was finished in the nick of time. Now, with that deadline passed, the remaining work has gone untouched. Even though I know that the house is going to be sold and that I should get a jump on wrapping it up, the project stagnates. Countless other examples can be drawn from.
When I lived at Stonegate, I regularly had people coming over for the workout or to hang out. Because of that my house stayed almost consistently emaculate for three years. With the workout now located at Bally's and there no longer being a swimming pool about, the visits to my house tapered, as has my cleaning. Without the external source, the motivation evaporates. Part of what drives me to continue plugging away at FIRE is a desire to prove that I do have self motivation, but considering how long it is taking, there clearly isn't all that much, and it comes in fits and starts.
The last example is the ongoing attempts by Mike, Eriq, and myself to create. We continually suggest ideas for projects, businesses and products. However, with the exception of magi|DIGITAL, those suggestions end without much more than a half-hearted web page or a folder of uncut video and project files. We have tried to bring ourselves together on something again and again, committed to ideas and plans and schemes, but there isn't enough self motivation, and for some reason we can't seem to exert enough external motivation on one another. I'm frustrated by the whole thing. Sitting here in my just cleaned house, with my unfinished basement and a head full of dreams and goals, I want to fix myself, and I don't know how.